I woke up this morning fairly early and did an affirmation. I told myself, “I will think only of things that make me happy today.” Then I went back to sleep. Somewhere in the midst of early morning, turning my alarm clock off, and waking up a little late, I dreamt of my ex. These dreams affect me. I wake up literally with my heart racing and my body shaking…from adrenaline. From fear. I owned a home. For whatever reason, in my dream, he and I were still together I think. I picked him up from a mental institution (which I’ve had to do before, in real life) and brought him home. That night he drove an SUV through the house. The next part of the dream that I remember is the next morning. I woke up and was several hours late for work. I’m frantically searching the house for the number to the doctor, so I can have them take him back, all the while trying not to let on that this is what I’m doing. It might start something. I can’t leave the kids with him while I go to work. I can’t ask him where the number is and I know that he probably hid it. I have to get away or get him to go away, but it’s impossible. I woke up thinking that I had overslept. I was also afraid to leave my room, thinking that I might actually find him out there…that my dream was real. That frightened feeling doesn’t leave right away, you see. I probably need therapy for this, but I hate talking about my feelings. I never seem to be able to get out exactly how I feel or what I want to say. So I breathe, just like I’m doing now. I tell myself that I was brave enough to leave, that I am ok, and my children are safe.
So. Time to focus on me again. I need to set some goals and actually work towards them.
Random thought: Tonight is the full moon and it’s been a long time since I’ve celebrated and cleansed. A release is needed.
On a brighter note, I got the kiddos all registered for school. We live in a different zone and I’ve been putting it off forever. Finally got that crap over with. Friday morning is Little Man’s open house. He’s going into middle school. We get to buy his gym clothes, find his locker, take a tour of his hall, and see all his classes. This is a major milestone. The first one since he started kindergarten, I think…other than the day he learned to ride a bike without training wheels. His 11th birthday is also this Saturday. *sniffs* My baby is growing up!
I have also picked my next tattoo. Sailor Girl says that I’ll be all ghetto fabulous. Tattooed and Organic says that it will be “lovely”. I’m leaning towards the lovely side, but Sailor Girl didn’t mean ghetto fabulous in a bad way. I’m thoroughly excited. It will probably be the last one I get this year.