I’m still trying to decide on whether to make this one long blog or break it up. I am the queen of run-on sentences and run-on thoughts, so I might as well be the queen of run-on blogs as well, right? This weekend has been an interesting one, to say the least.
First of all, I have made my appointment for my last tattoo of the year (or so I say). Chance, the guy that does my work is super stoked about it…as am I. This is a sample. It will look way better though. I liked her idea, but not the execution.
Let’s break this weekend down, bit by bit.
Friday: I went out with Little Man. Just me and him…a little mommy/son time. It was great. We went to Cheesecake Factory and had a fabulous dinner, then went to see a movie. We saw Vampires Suck, which did suck. Horribly. But…there was an amazing Cuban restaurant next to the movie theater that I have to try. I’m mostly interested in the mojitos and dancing. Who needs to eat when there is alcohol and sexy Latin men grinding against my body on a dance floor?? I also learned some things about my son. He is a great kid and is turning out to be a great man as well. Out of the blue, he opened the door for me twice while going into the restaurant for dinner. It was the sweetest thing ever. I would really like to take the credit for that, but I don’t know if I can. That is the one thing that his dad always did (when things were good with us) and I’m glad that Little Man has picked up on that. It’s the only good thing his dad has done for him. Speaking of the children’s dad…he called me Friday when I got off work. He wanted to see the kids. He “couldn’t understand” why he hadn’t seen them in “6 months”. Hmmmm…let me think about that. Because you don’t call? Because you make no effort to see them at all? Because you have no concept of time? (the last time he saw them was actually a few months ago at Easter and he backed out of his Father’s Day visit in June) I’m thinking it was his mother’s doing, the whole calling thing. She wanted to see them. Either way, I was civil and I said that he could.
Saturday: I awoke to the sounds of my mother going in and out the front door. In, then out. In, then out. She was packing up her car. She found a place of her own and moved out. I feel happy to have my house back. I can be messy if I want to be, I can drink a six pack if I want, I can walk around half naked…
So, yeah. She moved out (which reminds me, I need to call her). During her moving, I finally heard from C2. I knew he was in town and I really wanted to see him. He invited me to go shooting on Sunday morning. Shooting?? Guns?? YES! And he wanted to spend time with me…Double YES!! I skyped with him until the children started begging me to take them to the pool. We went and got some sun for a few hours. I met this oddly friendly couple with a bunch of kids…you really meet strange people when your kids start playing together. Sadly, I had to prep the kids for their trip to their dad’s house for the night. We bid farewell to our new acquaintances and trekked back to the condo. In my time at the pool, I had messaged C2 and had in a round-a-bout way asked if he had plans for Saturday night. I wanted to see him (ok…I wanted to get naked with him). “Don’t be so submissive and just come over if you want to :)”. This is what I get from him. He doesn’t like his women meek. But I digress. I took the kids halfway across town to their grandmother’s house. This is where their dad lives. Have I mentioned what a winner he is? No? That’s because he’s not. It was awkward. I stayed exactly 8 minutes. I timed it. Mini-Me was excited to see her dad, but Little Man was indifferent. He realizes it’s an obligation…he would have rather been at his friend’s house. I remember that feeling from when I was little, going to visit my mom. In a couple years, I’ll give him the option of whether or not he wants to go.
Holy Crap!! I was alone! I had no kids, I didn’t have to worry about my mother being at my house…what was I going to do with myself?? I headed to Target. I had to return a new bathing suit top that my boobs didn’t fit in. I actually got to walk around the store without distraction. I looked at things I wanted to look at, without children wandering off, without cries of “Can I have this??!!!” and “I’m bored!!!”. It was amazing. I got a dress for $8 and a cute pair of shoes for $5. Sweet. After dropping off my new items at home, I headed for C2’s house. We had a great visit. I swam topless in his pool, I met his neighbor while swimming topless in his pool (funny shit.), I met his neighbor’s friend while swimming topless in C2’s pool (even funnier shit.), got rubbed down (sexy shit.), cuddled and watched funny videos (comfortable shit.), and left to go home at a reasonable hour (responsible shit.)
I skyped with C1 when I got home. He was awake (which I didn’t expect) and I wanted to talk to him. We have had some distance lately. It was weening…but I have yet to decide if I was weening myself from him or weening him from me. The conversation was ok. He didn’t get why I had come home and not stayed at C2’s house. I explained my reasoning, but wasn’t going to do it until I was blue in the face. The conversation ended (for me) when he started fishing for compliments and reassurance. “Why did you log on to Skype? Were you looking for me or was it to talk to C2? You didn’t give me an answer…” I didn’t give him the answer he wanted. On purpose. I saw through it, I saw what he wanted and needed, and I purposely did not give it to him. I am a mental sadist. If you are trying to pull something out of me, I’m not giving it to you. It’s that simple. Our conversations had become just that, whether he noticed it or not. Me knowing exactly what it was that he wanted me to say and me not saying it. Me purposely not opening myself up to him like I had in the beginning of our relationship. I said goodnight (with no “I love you”) and went to bed.
Sunday: I got up at 6am. 6 AM. It was worth it though. C2 picked me up, we went to the store for ammo, and we went shooting. We met up with some people that we’ve been hanging out with when he’s in town. It was fun! I shot an automatic rifle and a Glock 9mm. My camera died soon after we got there, which was disappointing. I had forgotten to charge it. I did notice that C2 was filming me with my guns. It was cute. He has subtle ways of showing that he likes me…I think I like it. He put the videos on YouTube. I want a gun now. It’s just one of the many things I want to learn about. I’ll be a girl with tattoos and guns…watch out. Afterwards, he took me to brunch and we talked about things like religion and higher powers. It’s something I never talk about. He brings things like that out in me. He brings me out of my box on purpose…I like it. C2 is so smart. He ponders what seems like EVERYTHING, while I just exist in my own little world that I’ve created for myself. Talking to him makes me feel like I don’t know enough about the world I live in. Not my personal world, but the actual world. It was a great brunch. There were dessertlets, small samplings of many desserts. Yummy. And lots of other tasty morsels. Full and sleepy, he drove me home, and we parted ways. I wanted a nap and had to get one in before picking up the kids later that day. I was secretly hoping that their dad would want to keep them another night. I wanted to spend more time with C2, but it didn’t happen. My night was spent with pizza and beer at home with Mini-Me. I actually DID get invited out for dinner at one of the shooting buddy’s home, but didn’t go. I spent my night on the computer. I saw that C1 was online, but didn’t talk to him. We had texted a little and he told me about his weekend playing games with his wife and sleeping. Interesting stuff. He was holding back now. Just before I decided I was going to bed, I got a breakup message on Facebook. He is a bear and I am a butterfly. Hmmmm. I cried. I knew it was coming eventually, whether it was from him or me…I guess it was better that it happened sooner than later. I cried more. I felt bad for hurting him. I couldn’t be that perfect 3rd person that he needed. The perfect 3rd person loves her position, is friends with the wife, and they live harmoniously in the same existence. I wasn’t that girl. I was in competition with her. I was better for him. I also didn’t know if I could give him that constant reassurance that he needed. So, I cried. I cried for the hurt that I caused and the love that I could have had. I cry now…like a bitch. I knew the minute that I started thinking about E again that I had lost interest. It makes me feel bad. Everything C1 said in his message was true. I responded by message as well. It was easier for both of us, I think. I’m not sure. I was in a constant state of confusion while with C1…not knowing what I wanted. I still feel like more of a monster than a butterfly. C2 told me that people who can’t control their emotions will always end up getting hurt. (He and I are alike that way. Controlled emotions. Not letting anyone in too much) I think that it’s brave when people open themselves up so fully, like C1. I am not that brave. (fuck, Chicken, stop crying!!) Frank Sinatra, you are not helping with your crooning right now.
“I can’t think about that now. If I do, I’ll go crazy. I’ll think about it tomorrow.” Scarlett O’Hara pulls on my Southern heartstrings. I have laundry to do, a house to clean, a pool to visit, children to take care of, and a life to lead. Breaking down isn’t an option for me. And, as C2 put it…”You still have me”. Yes, I do. I’m glad for that.