At first my feelings were fucking hurt, but now I’m mad (honestly, I still feel a little like crap…but more mad than anything).
I knew something was up with C2. He hasn’t been coming to town, our emails/IMs have been sparse…and when we did talk, the conversation was lacking. This is my fault (so I’ve been told). He was testing me. What the hell is up with all the tests lately?? We were IMing last night. We got into a conversation about social interactions, which I now believe I was led into. Towards what became the end of the conversation, he said, “I don’t think I turn you on”. That came out of nowhere, I thought to myself. I couldn’t lie, though…it’s the truth. I don’t think of him and get all crazy excited in my nether regions and I never have. In fact, I have always felt slightly uncomfortable around him…now I realize it is because my sub-conscious picked up on the fact that this entire time he has been judging me. He told me that I am too submissive and not “take charge” enough. I don’t initiate conversation. I let him bring up a subject, then agree or disagree. “This is our relationship”, he said. The only compliment he ever gave me was that I was a good lover (but apparently not good enough) and that I am smart (but I don’t use it). It was like a bad yearly review at a job. Harsh mentions of my weaknesses intermingled with slight compliments.
Then he said he wanted to change me.
He said that he has actively been trying to change me, but that it didn’t look like I was ready to. Like the fact that I am a quiet person is a horrible thing to be. I’m sorry that I don’t want to philosophize about life and the universe. I want to do fun things. And by the way…what the fuck makes you so great that I need to change my entire personality just to make you happy and able to stand being around me (he said that I had been getting on his nerves lately)?! Nothing. C2 is not that amazing. He doesn’t love me, he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life with me…he just wants us to be more compatible in bed. Which isn’t going to happen if I am not attracted to him like I thought I would be anyway. He doesn’t even like to kiss!!!! Why? Because it is too intimate and emotional. What?!
I didn’t go over all the things about him that I didn’t like, but was overlooking…hoping that at some point he would make me feel comfortable. We are just not compatible as a couple. Now that I know how he feels about me…I don’t know if we’re compatible as friends, either. Who wants to be worried the entire time they are with someone about whether or not you’re “good enough”. Life is way too short. I saw a line in a book once, where a character says, “I’ve given guys blow jobs because I’ve run out of things to say.” This cracks me the fuck up. Obviously that isn’t working with C2 and I anymore. C’est la vie says the chicken.
I told him there are plenty of people in this world that like me just the way I am.