If You Don’t Like Them, My Boyfriend Will Donkey Punch You.

Presenting: The Irish Car Bomb Cupcake

I am not a butcher, a baker, or a candlestick maker.  I tell you, though, after my baking excursions last night, I surely needed a tub after I was finished.

I don’t bake from scratch and now I remember why.  I’ve been excited about baking these damn cupcakes since I found the recipe online a few weeks ago.  Like, jump up and down excited.  I ordered pizza to be delivered last night, so I didn’t have to worry about dinner, opened up a Guinness, had the music going, and got to work.  “Woo hoo!!! Cupcakes!!!”

4 fucking hours later, I was ready to scream, rip my hair out, then pass out in my clothes on my bed.   I did stop during points because I ended up not having enough butter, had to go find some, and had to vent and whine to Mike a little. Oh…and I had kids coming into the kitchen needing something every 5 fucking minutes.  Let’s not forget that.  There was no yield on the recipe, so I…being the genius that I am…doubled it.  Holy batter, Batman!  I ended up making 52 of those suckers, which ended up being a good thing, because I burnt the bottoms of the first batch.  Here’s what I learned during my escapade:

1.  Don’t double the recipe.  Just make 24 god damn cupcakes.
2.  Sifting dry ingredients together sucks.  Especially when you don’t own sifter.
3.  Don’t worry about drinking too much while baking…it COULD make the situation a lot happier.  I, obviously, did not drink enough.
4.  It’s best NOT to use margarine in your buttercream.  They don’t call it BUTTERcream for nothin’.
5.  SugarFree vanilla flavoring for coffee works wonderfully when you run out of vanilla extract.
6.  If you don’t own cooling racks, the bottom rack from the oven sitting on top of a roaster pan works like magic.
7.  Do not try to make buttercream with a cheap $6 hand mixer.  It will burn up the mechanics and it will no longer mix…ANYTHING.
8.  Trying to whisk your buttercream by hand to the right consistency sucks more than sifting.
9.  Getting a ganache to the right consistency is harder than the internet tells you.
10.  Buy the bigger bags for piping the icing.  Always buy the bigger bags.
11.  I am one hell of a messy baker.

Regardless of all of this, the cupcakes are delicious.  And they look pretty.  Everyone says they are awesome.  Which, they better…because Mike said, and I quote:
“I had no doubt about your baking ability and I hope that EVERYONE truly appreciates the sacrifice that you made so that they could have some of your alcoholic based baked goods. Or I will donkey punch them. I love you very much dear.”  Booyah!

You better like those cupcakes.
So, here’s to chocolate-Guiness-whiskey cupcakes, with Bailey’s buttercream, and a whiskey ganache.  Now let’s go enjoy ourselves and call ourselves Irish!

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3 thoughts on “If You Don’t Like Them, My Boyfriend Will Donkey Punch You.

  1. Pingback: Single Digits | Southern Fried Chicken in Vegas

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