First and foremost, I don’t know if you’ve noticed – probably not, since I’ve been really sucking on the posting lately – there’s a little link off to the right that will take you to my new Facebook page. I gave in. So…if you’re a Facebooker, like me, go give it a like. I can’t guarantee a post a day on here, but I can definitely say that there will most likely be some weird and possibly offensive things going on over there.
So, what have I been up to lately?
Waking up early, making sure the older kids get out the door to school on time, telling Mini-Me she that she can’t have chocolate pudding for breakfast, feeding baby, playing on the floor with baby, practicing sitting up with baby, singing If You’re Happy and You Know It for the millionth time with baby (it’s her favorite), trying to get baby to take a nap without holding my hand like a lovey, feeding baby, housework, figuring out what’s for dinner, forcing kids to sit down and do their homework, playing with baby, making dinner while baby whines, bathing baby, feeding baby, watching Walking Dead and Sons of Anarchy…reading a little…
and feeling generally sad and alone.
I’ve been in this place before, more often than I’d like to admit, and I know what I need to do to come out of it and stay out – but sometimes it’s easier to just stay blue, be upset about things that are completely within your control to change, and continue to drown in that dark place inside your head. Because, it’s hard when you have to work at being happy. Really hard.
I know it’s been difficult for Mike to watch, because he has never met this version of me before. When he and I started dating, I was in a place where I had faked it long enough that I was making it. I knew who I was, I was comfortable with that person (a little too comfortable), and I was happy. Change generally throws me for a bit of a loop – and becoming a wife, a new mom, and staying at home are major changes. But, I came to the realization last night that I’m supposed to be this crafting, playing, housecleaning, dinner making, domestic person. With a little of the old me thrown in. Because I can be all of them. I just have to make the “happy” happen.
So I sat pantsless on my patio this morning, looked at my fantastic view of the city, and had some coffee. And now I’m going to get some kids ready for their day. And sing to a baby. And plan what to make for the cake walk at Mini-Me’s fall festival at school. And exercise.
If I have to, I’m going to fake it so hard that I make it all over your face (Heh. I’m gross.)
You guys, this means that I probably have to make mommy friends and be nice to people. That doesn’t make me very excited.