One of These Things Is Not Like the Other

This weekend was going to mark my first time away from Gummy overnight. 4 days and 3 nights away. Mike was going to take her on a road trip to Salt Lake City to visit family and I was going to stay home. It was needed and dreaded all at the same time. I’m sure most of you who just had babies can relate.
Sometimes life shit happens and life stuff doesn’t work out – so the trip was cancelled. It certainly doesn’t mean that I can’t post my intended blog, because really, I just can’t seem to make any of my other ideas come to life lately.

Without further ado, I give you…a comparative list of what my husband thought that I would do during my husband/baby-free weekend and what I actually would have done. A few years ago, he may have been right on the money – I keep telling him that I’ve left my ho days behind me…I’m not sure he believes me. Or he just likes to give me shit.

Husband’s Version or It’s a Ho’s Life:

Thursday

  • Hastily say goodbye to husband and baby while shoving them out the door with an, “I love you and I’ll see you Sunday! If I don’t text you back this weekend, don’t worry, I’m probably just busy!”
  • Too excited to contain myself, I start calling, texting, and Facebook messaging all available parties for the orgy that I’ll be having later on that weekend, even though it’s 6am.
  • Drink beer, watch porn and masturbate with my biggest vibrator until the kids come home from school.
  • Dinner as usual.

Friday

  • It’s the weekend baby! Drink all day while I watch chick flicks, play on Pinterest, and talk with all my blogger buddies about what a crap husband I have.
  • On a drunk whim, rifle through his bedside nightstand and the closet, throwing away everything of his that I consider “unimportant” or “garbage”.
  • Have milkman, dishwasher repairman, A/C repairman, and every other repairman I can think of to the house. Orgy!!*
  • Dump the older kids on my mom ASAP. I’m going out bitches!
  • Invite everyone I meet on my escapade back to the house.
  • Orgy!

Saturday

  • Keep drinking to avoid hangover**. Ask mom if kids can spend another night.
  • Sex it up with the people still left over from the night before.

Sunday

  • Hangover recovery day. Sleep in until mom brings kids back. Enlist their help cleaning the house, urging them to “forget what they’ve seen”.
  • Back to housewife mode. Act loving and have homemade treats and leftovers ready for husband upon arrival. Hug and cry over baby for having missed her so badly.

What Really Would Have Happened or Reality is Much More Relaxing. Besides, Who Has That Many Orgies?

Thursday

  • Crying, pack baby into carrier. Smother baby in kisses. Make husband promise to text or call if he needs anything.
  • Coffee and more crying while catching up on blogs or reading email in my favorite chair.
  • Begin incessant tweeting about how much I miss the husband and baby and how I just don’t know what to do with myself. Instagram a sad face.
  • Begin incessant texting to husband to find out if baby has eaten, how much she ate, if she’s been sleeping, if she’s pooped, if she’s warm enough – to continue the entire weekend. Husband assures me that everything is fine – that they haven’t even gotten out of NV yet.
  • Realizing finally that I don’t have to take care of a baby, I clean the entire house from top to bottom to keep myself busy until the kids come home. Things have never been so clean. I had forgotten what it was like to not have to stop a million times in the middle of completing a chore.
  • Dinner as usual, only with more wine. Text husband to come home.

Friday

  • Home alone all day again. Realizing my freedom’s potential, I begin doing things like cleaning the couch upholstery and sorting baby clothes that she has grown out of. I have never felt so productive. Or bored.
  • Mom picks up kids, so I can reluctantly go out with the girls. They’ve assured me that I need a girl’s night and that I’ll drink for free. I wear something other than yoga pants. It feels good.
  • Drunk text husband and tell him to come home and do me.

Saturday

  • Sleep as long as I want.
  • Have coffee and read a book.
  • Take down Halloween décor and contemplate Thanksgiving craft projects. Begin Pinteresting.
  • Junk food and movie night with the kids. Get way too excited over watching Swing Kids***.
  • Continue movie night in my room with classic movies, wine, and bacon wrapped dates.
  • Drunk text husband and tell him to come home.
  • Masturbate.

Sunday

  • Sleep in. AGAIN! Tweet about it.
  • Make breakfast for the kids. Tweet about it.
  • Go to the gym. Tweet about it.
  • Finish a book. Tweet about it.
  • Spend rest of the day wondering when husband and baby will be back. Tweet about it.
  • Hug and cry over baby for having missed her so badly. Instagram homecoming.
  • Finally have some sex. With my husband.

There are some subtle differences. Yes?
I may not have gotten that time to myself, but I have gotten more time with my husband, which was also much needed. I also didn’t have to miss my baby. Not yet. I do miss uninterrupted sleep, but I just need to put that out of my head. That shit is not going to happen, like…EVER.

*Yes. My husband asked me if I was going to have an orgy while he was away. Repairmen really aren’t known to be the most attractive guys on the planet. It probably would have been midgets. No repairmen were injured or sexually abused during the writing of this blog.

**Yes. He assumed that I would be drinking the entire weekend. He wasn’t wrong in a way. He envisioned shots of Jager and I am just fine sitting in bed in my jammies with a glass of wine (or a bottle). Jager is yucky.

***Yes. I found Swing Kids at the library and I was so freaking excited to watch it. We watched last night and, I have to say, it was better when I used to swoon over the actors and wish I could swing dance. It was still awesome, though.

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “One of These Things Is Not Like the Other

    • I could totally have an orgy and tweet on my phone at the same time. That’s just not giving your partners the attention they deserve, though 🙂 Staying drunk and coordinating orgy after orgy just seemed like WAY too much work. It was supposed to be a vacation! Lol

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s