TMI Friday: I Don’t Feel Sexy

I don’t feel sexy. The last time I felt sexy was probably sometime in my second trimester of pregnancy.
What I generally feel like now is a mom whose hair is a mess and whose shirt is always stained with something. A maid – always walking behind someone and picking up. A cook – always planning the next meal to feed everyone, including myself. On a good day I feel strong and healthy, but never confident. Never a woman who is desired or desirable. I’d settle for feeling like a woman most days.

I had a bit of a mental breakdown last Sunday. Have you ever talked to yourself so badly that you just wanted to break down and cry? Why are our inner voices so nasty sometimes? How is it that we have the ability of being so mean to ourselves and to hurt ourselves so badly?

I can tell you all this happened because it was the day before my period – that last day of PMS when I guess all my hormones are shifting and I emotionally fall apart. Show me the movie Beaches on that day and I’d probably start crying at the beginning and cry all the way through, just because I knew what was coming at the end. Except this day I decided to berate myself for half a day because my husband masturbated.

What my logical mind knows and believes to be a very natural thing – as natural as pooping or peeing – sent me into a spiral that I couldn’t come out of. My poor husband knew that I was sad and tried to talk to me about it, but I just told him the simple answer – that I was talking bad to myself. I didn’t want to tell him the truth.

That I don’t feel sexy anymore.

That I am telling myself that I’m not. Constantly.

That even though when the subject came up and he said he was thinking about me (to make me feel better?), I didn’t believe him.

That I was telling myself that he was really jerking off to the advertisement of the naked girl on the bicycle that he showed me, because she was much more attractive – and because he likes athletic girls, not ones who look like me.

That he obviously does want to have sex, because he was horny enough to masturbate…he just doesn’t want to have sex with me.

All this bullshit coming from a woman who, at the same size she is now, used to have no problem with how she looked. Had no problems feeling sexy. Went topless and was not ashamed of her body. Who was sexy with every fiber of her plus-sized being.

I don’t know how I got here. And I don’t know how or when I will start loving myself again like I used to. It doesn’t feel like something that will fix itself overnight. Day by day, I just work on making the mean voices stay quiet. They don’t know what they’re talking about, anyway.

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26 thoughts on “TMI Friday: I Don’t Feel Sexy

  1. I bet my wife feels exactly the same way about herself that you’re describing here. The thing is, she doesn’t look like the women on most ads, and while those women are pretty, they aren’t all sexy. I find my wife crazy sexy. She doesn’t buy it when I say it, but it’s totally true. I bet you’re really sexy to your husband as well. There’s something about a woman who’s been with (me) for 17 years and still turns me on that’s just sexy. Deal with it.

    • You are very right. On all accounts. Sometimes it is really hard for us moms to feel like the sexy women we can be when we’re in yoga pants with a kid on our hip, but I choose from this day forward to do what my mom just told me and realize that I am a masterpiece.
      People are going to think I’m nuts when I say it out loud in public, but oh well 🙂

    • He’s totally right. My husband tells me all the time, there is just something about seeing me through the years–through a pregnancy, seeing me go through so many physical changes and aging–that he finds sexy in a way he didn’t know was possible before he was a married man. Like it’s a whole other level of sexiness.

      That said, I know how hard it can be to feel that way. I’ve forgotten what sexy feels like, too. And my husband always feels like it’s because he isn’t doing enough to make me feel that way, but the truth is it’s just fucking hard sometimes. Thank you for laying it all out there like this and saying what so many of us feel sometimes. You’re definitely not alone.

      • I knew that writing this would make my husband immediately think that he wasn’t doing enough. Truth be told, I don’t think we could ever want to stop hearing how sexy we are, but it’s not his fault. It is just me and it is just fucking hard not to listen sometimes.

  2. My heart was breaking for you as I read this because I know that negative inner voice all too well. It’s a liar, but a convincing one. You are a masterpiece, like your mom said. Retrain that inner voice to speak encouragement and positivity. You don’t need to take that crap.

    • My heart was breaking as I wrote it, but that’s why I shared – because I know that I’m not the only one that does that to themselves.
      Thank you. I’m working on retraining that liar in me.

  3. No, you are not alone. And you don’t even have to gain weight, or be a mom, to feel this way. Sometimes, you can feel this way just because it’s Tuesday. Or, I know I can.

    • I know. I feel like I alienated all the women and girls out there that also feel the same way, even though they aren’t mothers. It hurts me inside to think about all the young women who don’t know any better than just to listen to that nastiness inside of them. I wish I could hug them all and tell them how beautiful they are.

  4. Thank you for calling out that nasty bitch of an inner voice. Age has helped me realize that she is impossible to please, and I would really like to stab her in the face.

    • She is a bitch, isn’t she?! She’s just so loud and obnoxious sometimes that it’s hard not to listen. I blame PMS for this outburst, but really she’s there all the time – the PMS just exacerbates her bitchiness. I just told someone else that my inner voice can fuck the fuck off. I stand by that statement.

  5. Perfect timing for this read. I feel the same way. Thank you for reminding me that that bitch inside of me is not even close to the type of person I want to be and I would NEVER say the things she says to me to another person. Fuck her. Lets have a “kill the evil worthless voice inside of us” party and celebrate being strong and beautiful women.

  6. Yes, that inner voice is someone you would NEVER hang out with. Something I do, and you have to make a concerted EFFORT…like HARD EFFORT is tell it to shut the fuck up…if you need to say this to it a million times a day, so be it. Put it in time out. Tell it to hit the road…then replace the nasty with awesome thoughts. And buy a sexy bra. I mean like a slutty sexy bra…even if I’m wearing the crappiest t-shirt I own, and it has paint on it, and my hair looks like butt…I KNOW I HAVE THAT FUCK ME BRA ON. Hang in there girl…keep fighting! You are one sexy be-otch.

  7. I hear you, feel for you. It’s so hard to just like a normal person and not a robot machine talking care of everyone/everything all the time. And somehow you have to stop everything and try to feel sexy, feel in the mood. Even as I type this, my son is still up….I can’t even blog! Hang in there, and tell that little inner voice to go to hell. I think the sexy undies help (noticing the comment above). You don’t think they will, but it’s worth a shot, or anything that makes you, no one else, just you, feel sexy.

    • It’s like I’ve completely turned off an entire portion of my self and tucked it away, only to have forgotten where I put it when I’m ready to use it. I’m bound and determined to bring my sexy back. No reference to JT intended. And I may feel for you more right now 🙂

  8. Oh my lady friend. You need to have the sexy sex with yoself!!! A lot of it. It helps. I promise. Before you know it you’ll feel like a sexual dynamo again!! 😉 xxoo

  9. I hear you. Sexy lady Mojo is hard to find amongst the nappies, wet beds, sleep deprivation. Sex or sleep…. hmmm. Your man loves you long time. You are fabulous. I reckon it is cool if right now, doing the wild thing hanging from an A-frame after shots of tequila is the LAST thing on your mind… cos some day soon… fetch that lady some salt and lime!!

  10. I hate that vortex our brains get sucked into. PMS really doesn’t help. Your inner voice is a nasty, nasty bitch. Mine is too–she says the same stuff yours does. Kick that shrew to the curb. And big hugs to you, I hope you feel better soon.

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